Monday, December 7, 2015

the state of my mind

No, I have not abandon my blog, just went through a very dry spell of nothing done creatively and a prolonged spell of melancholy.  I have come up for air again and hopefully I can reestablish some enjoyable routines again, like building quilts, knitting, cooking, and other pursuits.

My beast of burden  (the 2005 Focus) died.  Finally got an estimate on the check engine light that had been on for two years.  It was the front catalytic convert at 2,000 bucks.  Since the car was only worth $300 to $1,000 with 260,000 miles, it is not worth the repairs but it ran, and ran well.  The final blow was the car acted like something was wrong with the battery/alternator/starter and the mechanic could not find anything wrong, but all the gauges on the dash would quit and the car would die.  The car died on Sister Suzy at Christown Mall after a movie and would not restart after letting set overnight.  Called the junkyard and had them come pick it up.  Did not realize how much stress I was under about the car until the tow-truck pulled out of the parking lot and I cried from relief.

Anniversary of Hubby's death plus the financial bombshells and repercussions that have been occurring the last year did not help any either.  Things are better but it is still going to be a while before everything is taken care of.  Of course, the vultures/bill collectors do not believe there are no assets as 95-97% of all Americans have some kind of assets.  There was nine dollars and 41 cents in our checking account the day he died.  No life insurance, no IRAs, no stocks, bonds, property, real or personal that were unencumbered, zilch, nada, nothing.  So, basically, I am waiting them out by ignoring the phone, taking all the collection notices and putting them in a file and when I get his ashes interred, I will address the collection notices.  The phone ringing is stressful.  It reminds me of the financial mess that is setting in the file cabinet that I do not have the money for a lawyer to resolve.  In the meantime, the needs of the living come first, not some bill collector, in my world.

I have been stressing over Sister Suzy's first quarter of graduate school.  Will she pull it off or not?  17 hours of graduate level class in 10 weeks instead of the standard of 9-12 hours over 16 weeks.  The last couple of weeks were touch-n-go, but she pulled out A-minuses across the board.  So, this quarter is starting out a lot calmer.  She is still behind the 8-ball on books, 2 of the 4 are going to be late coming in, but she has a workable plan for those.

My sister went through a cancer scare this spring/summer.  The doctors say it looks like they got it all, so now it is in the wait-n-watch phase.  She is now dealing with the side effects of Chemo and Radiation, hair growing back, deep bone pain, weakened muscles and neuropathy.

And, for the icing on my cake of woe-is-me, my knees hurt like hell and my weight is ballooning.  Cortisol levels are way up, asthma is bothering me, and blood sugars are being stupid.  I.e. the stress of being me is getting to me.  But all is not lost, I have started mediating, again, and doing EFT to bring down the stress/cortisol levels which is helping the asthma and blood sugars.  Which in turn is helping the weight so if I can get some weight off maybe the knees will lighten up a bit.  Which would help my mental health by not being in such pain, which means I will feel like doing something.  Which...

Okay, I have bent your ears enough.  Back later with some pictures of a quilt I actually finished.  I hope everyone is having an enjoyable day.



  1. Although I am lax in getting a will drawn up, I have taken steps to see to it that my wife will not find herself in the stressful situation you describe. I have a small life insurance policy. Everything we own, is in both our names with right of survivorship. This will avoid unnecessary legal acrobatics should the time come.I only owe on my house and could pay it off with a large chunk of savings if I had too.

    You must be good to yourself first! Your health will suffer worrying about everyone else's problems. Find a coffee shop and make a point of going there periodically for coffee or tea and a pastry ( sugar free). A know what it is like to be overwhelmed by tragic events and want to just ball up in a fetal position and hide.

    I wish you peace. It is the greatest gift on can receive in this life. I wish I could offer you more but know that you are in my thoughts and I am sending an internet hug your way! Be kind to yourself....

    the rat

    1. Thanks, for the encouragement and kind words.

      A will is good, but you still need money to probate it after it is written. Also, make sure the checking/savings accounts are 'OR' accounts and double check that the bank won't 'freeze' the accounts until everything is probated. Wells Fargo is notorious for doing stuff like that.

      In Kansas, you can avoid some of the probate hassles by having the title to vehicles written with PODs (possession on death). Deeds to real property can be done the same way. That's how Mom handled her estate.

      One of the things I need to do, is check with the State of Oklahoma about the rules of inheritance for oil royalties I receive from my Great-grandparents place around Ada. It's only worth about 35 bucks a year. Seems a real waste waste of money and energy to have to probate it, but who knows.

      Thanks for stopping by and I hope you and the Missus are have good day.

  2. Oh Judy, you need a big cyber hug, a big plate of cyber brownies, and a glass of cyber wine. Here's hoping for better days ahead.

    1. Thanks!

      I do believe I have turned the corner as I was able to write. When I get too far down the rabbit hole of Dysthymia (chronic depression)I have trouble getting out of bed much less doing anything creative.

      I'm feeling better mentally as well as physically. I am playing with turmeric for the knees and it seems to be helping. I'm getting out of my chair with a lot less pain.

      Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

  3. ohhh judy i'm so sorry! you've had quite a time of it. big sigh!!!!
    wishing you good health and a lightening from your burdens, you've been sure carrying a lot. take care. xx

    1. Thanks for the wishes, things are getting better and thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.


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